Tonight was good. Not just because it's christmas time, not just because there's cold root beer in my refrigerator, but because maybe, just maybe I'll make it through the next 4 years. My torrey group had a christmas party today, semi formal (I will never ever figure out what that really means), and it's really interesting to see how close we've gotten in such a short time. To see a group that was akwardly sitting around making akward comments and looking akwardly at each other a few months ago at convacation and now see us laughing and carrying on like we've known each other our whole lives is not only refreshing, it's an answer to prayer. Near the beginning of the semester I was really wondering whether I made the right choice to come to Biola, whether I should have gone to Michigan instead and studied english. Now I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be, not because I'm around a bunch of smart people who talk about literature, but because we've gotten past that. We can stop trying to impress everyone around us and get down to who we really are underneath. Homer group may not be perfect, I may not know everyone as well as I would like, but we're getting there and there's no where I'd rather be.
But then there's always the walk back down to Stewart by myself to get me thinking again . . .
I've been pretty good about it this semester, mostly because I've been too busy to think about it or too tired to care, but it popped up in my head again.
I guess I'm just tired of being alone
I'm not clawing to get into a relationship or anything like that, and I know that there are more important things I need to worry about (like the paper I need to finish up tonight), but I also know from this semester that man was not made to live alone. I don't even want any of the hand holding or kissing stuff; I just miss having someone to talk to about everything, anything, and nothing at all. I miss having someone to talk about Fawlty towers, about British Comedy, about bluegrass, about God. I miss having someone to listen to. I miss having someone who wanted to tell me the stupidest, smallest, most insignificant part of their day.
But I guess it really doesn't matter anymore.
2 comments:
Well Phil, I'm no woman. But seeing as you don't really want any of that kissing and hand-holding stuff, I'd be glad to talk to you about Fawlty Towers, Bluegrass, British Comedy and God. Heck, I'll even talk to you about women!
I know where you're at. Sorta. I know the general region anyway. Been to that province myself not too long ago... It's alot of fun when you keep thinking about being lonely. This is the thing though Phil, if you're lonely by yourself you're gonna be lonely with a girl. It'll just take you awhile to realize it.
We need to be happy and content with ourselves before we can be truely happy and content with other people. Maybe you're past that, and I'm the only one who needs to go back and be lonely to be content, but I thought I might put that out there.
I do miss just being myself, by myself. It's hard for me to keep track of my own personal identity within myself when I'm with Bri. I feel more like an "us" than a "me." To some extent that's a good thing. But to another that's very bad. I think that's why I like being with you and the guys so much. I remember who I am by myself. When it's just me, it's just me and God. A much easier time ensues... maybe I should blog about it, I don't know. Anyhow, mad props for putting the issue out there. Struck home for me.
And I'm happy for you and your Torrey group.
-Josh
Hey Phil, I know the feeling man. I TOTALLY know the feeling. :-)
In fact, if you've seen me wandering around campus, down lower campus, and then back up to Sigma at 2 AM lately, it's because I'm praying about that.
It's very hard, and as I'm currently going through it too, I can't really give you any advice. However, I can give you this encouragement. God knows you, and He knows what you can do and can't do. He will only let you go through this as far as you can handle. I guess He's put this time in our (yours and mine) lives so that we can learn how to rely on Him and Him alone; that way, when He brings those special women into our lives, we won't make them idols.
I know that doesn't make it feel any less lonely now, but have faith and take courage, for there is a reward for your work. :-)
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